I saw the pattern, clearly in my own life, and I wasn't going "woe is me" (ok there was a tiny bit of that, but only out of frustration), it was more I just couldn't clearly see, what was happening at first, but then I clicked and it was like a "light bulb" moment and I knew what I had to do. Never looked back

Your blogs are truly masterful in the sense that, as I listen and watch, it seems I am pulled into an energy that is just right for the times in my life.

I have loved being an educator (retired --- sort of :]!) and hope to have inspired with authentic pieces of expertise that you live. (Technology and having you back 'in the day' would have been a tremendous asset.) There were days (and a blur of years) when living that authenticity was more difficult.

With your blog and reaching out, degrees of reaching how I want to show up in the world are enhanced.

Thank you,
JW

May your God bless and keep you safe. You seem to have figured it out and I am still full of questions. For the second time in my life I have stepped outside of my circle of "friends" and walked away. I am 40 years old, never married, no children. I have made my list of must have and would be nice. I made it two years ago, way before I knew of you. I am alone. I find both peace and dread in the silence of my home. I never thought that I could make it on my own, yet here I am. My many fears, I am knee deep in now. I wade wade through them daily and my footing is never sure. Yet despite them or because of them I am still here. I am in a time or place where I question everything that I have known to be true. I can see the folly now of my god and goverment. The role of family and the definition of love have been blown out of the water and I am left floating in a great sea. I do not have the answers. I do not dare judge those that still see some sence of truth to this madness that we call a just and good life. What is the role of (wo)man? Why am I here? If the role of men and women is what I was raised to believe, why am I alone? Perhaps some of us are meant to be alone. I am at a place where I find a relationship both comforting and anoying. I dont want someone to tell me that my dreams are good or bad. I really do not care about anyone's opinion of me. No, I don't need you to take care of me. I simply want you when I want you. This seems to be selfish to me and against everything I was raised to believe a woman should be. I will use you for every good thing you can be to me. I will give when I can and you must be ok on your own until then. I will expect you to be faithfull to only me as I am to you. I find it better to be alone than with people who will bring me down even more. At this point I speak mainly with my mom and aunt, both of which are not positive influences in my life. People I have met only want to speak of what is going wrong, constantly. People I meet are so caught up in drama Sean. How do I find the happy confident people? I set a goal to only speak of good things in January. My conversations were short at best.

Sean, am I right? Have I gone off the beaten path? Am I ever to be enough for anyone? Do I expect too much? Please reply.

Dawn

First of all I want to thank you for what you are doing here and say that I love your blogs/site.

The metaphors and other visual aids you use make it very easy to grasp and think about issues in a more concrete way.

I never thought of myself as a victim/victimizer up until recently but have been struggling for years with negative people and consequences throughout my life. I have always thought of myself as a good listener to others offering sound advice when needed, displaying unselfish acts of kindness, giving more than receiving, etc. Problem is, I have failed miserably at setting healthy boundries and especially expressing myself to get MY emotional needs met.
In the past 2 years my second marriage failed, I became unemployed, uninsured, nearly homeless and have lost
alot of my possessions.
A portion of these events were beyond my control but in the soul searching mission I have been on for the past 6 - 8 months, I can see how many of MY actions & inactions have contributed to the chain of events over the past decade in particular. My martyr mentality was one of victim causing me to become angry, resentful and bitter and eventually a victimizer.

Thank you again for reinforcing something I have been struggling with for a long time. I am finally getting insight and healing.

Diane

I read this post very carefully and I thought about a few things.

You talked about victim behavior and made an example of magnets and papers clips.

People find themselves repeating again and again all kind of scenarios, not exactly the same ones, but as in the theater they play the same role with, maybe every now and then, different partners.

People carry with themselves the cause, that is what you illustrated with your magnets. Therapy is about getting rid of that magnets (the causes)

They enslave themselves to some situations or persons ("friends", "family", "peers", "boyfriends/girlfriends)

They have blueprints, mindsets, thoughts that are the limit for new things, for the unexpected, that`s way repetition comes back again and again.

It`s like dreaming to be in Japan but never taking a plane out of their own countries.

I recommend you this link:

http://www.elsigma.com/site/detalle.asp?IdContenido=658 (of course, you`ll have to find a way to translate this article from spanish to English)

"I hate my family" "I feel bad being with..." "My boss exploits me...as the last one" these are things that you could`ve heard in your practice every day, and they’re true, the guy or girl isn`t lying, but they still live there, or work there, or keep hanging out with some people, etc

They`re bitter, annoyed, hummiliated for a family or friends that beat them up, but they`re still there.

As David DeAngelo said once "When you`re saying Yes to one thing, you`re saying No to another thing"

There`s a price to pay to achieve things, that`s another thing that people may realize in therapy, if that people say Yes to run away from a a bad enviroment they`re saying No to: Not to do something to get away from there, (No) to still live without worrying about their lives, (No) to leave their lives and decisions in the hands of other people.

I recommend you Jaques Lacan`s "Seminar 11: The four fundamental concepts of psychoanalysis" (There`s an english translation which is very easy to find in the USA)

Also, I recommend you Norberto Rabinovich`s "Lagrimas de lo real" and "El Nombre del Padre". It`ll be worthy paying the price of getting those translated to english (from Spanish)

Best wishes

Luis Marcano (from Venezuela)

Like Hassan ( above ) I was a very successful man till a point where I start to lose everything. I believe in curse.. . I have such a victim or a "curse" mentality than while I was was watching your video my computer crashed and reboot itself. I am serious !!

I swear Sean !! It is very difficult to live like this and sometimes I just want to give up. I understand perfectly your point as I was this " victim" for the past 9 years !!

I've lost several business in less than six years and then my wife had a cancer . From a successful Entrepreneur speaking 5 languages..I am now at the point of searching a job for $10 an hour. Life is bizarre at time..and all this is very hard on what's I have left of pride..If I could afford it I will sign for a session with you !! Anyway, from today I will start to put in practice your advice.. and will fight back my bad luck with no mercy!!

Be well,
Sean

You deserve a great quality of life. Make sure
you never settle for bad behavior. You might
want to seek counsel from a professional if
this is an abusive situation.

Be good to yourself,
Sean

Thanks for the comment.

Be well,
Sean